Round 3 Week 4 Blogging Challenge

1. Describe in 25 words or less (why is it always 25 words) the you that you were before 12wbt
Before 12WBT I was miserable... sad, depressed, isolated, angry, unhealthy, lazy, making excuses for everything, unhappy and did not have alot going for me.

2. Now - who are you now??
Now I am happy(ier), healthier, lighter and definetly not isolated! I make excuses less often and am not as angry as I was.

3. What has the hardest been the hardest thing to make habit THIS ROUND?
The hardest for me was my mindset around running... I really thought I could not be a runner... I am now running!!! Even if it is slow and more like a shuffle, I am running! :)

4. What has been easier to make habit than you thought it would be?
Fitting in regular exercise!

5. How has your body changed THIS ROUND?
I am loosing cm's and feel I am toning up and slowly loosing the kgs!!

6. How has your mindset changed this round?
I am starting to believe that I am worth the effort and that I can actually do this!

7. Finish this sentence "I now know I am strong because ..."
I have proved it to myself and others over and over again!

8. Finish this sentence "I am proudest of ...."
my persistance in my running and continuing to smile even when I didn't feel like it :)

9. Finish this sentence "In 8 more weeks you will see me ...."
happier and healthier and stronger than ever!

10. What word applies to you now - that you never would have used before 12wbt?
Strong!!!

12WBT Round 3 Blogging Challenge #3 - FIND THE JOY!!

So this week's blogging challenge is to FIND MY JOY!

Kath has asked us to make her a list of all the NON FOOD self nurturing things that bring me joy.

Then print it out so when times are tough I can try turning to it.

So here is my list of NON FOOD self nurturning things that bring me joy (in no particular order!):

1. My husband

2. My dogs :)

3. My friends

4. PT with Rell!!

5. Group workouts at Jells

6. RellsRunners

7. Sunshine

8. My determination

9. Smiles

10. Nature

11. Twitter/facebook

12. Music

13. A good book

14. Puppies!!

15. Photo's

These are the things I find joy in!

xox

Blogging Challenge number 2: What is health?

So the second blogging challenge is about health... What is health to me...?
Tough question, don't think there are any wrong answers as it is purely individual but I am still struggling to come up with an answer...

Health to me is about the all over package: Mind, Body, Spirit... if I am feeling good in all three then I can consider myself healthy.

If my mind is providing me with positive thoughts (most of the time), my body is not aching from chronic pains (not talking DOMS!) and my spirit is souring, then I would consider that healthy!

I have been working hard all year to get me to that healthy (and happy) place and I feel that I am 60% there which is huge for me as I have spent most of my life unhealthy and unhappy, so feeling pretty happy to have done soo well in such a short amount of time!

So health to me is not about numbers or measurements as such, it is about how I feel physically and emotionally.  If I manage to get out of bed and out and about, making sure I eat well and think well then I am having a good day and feeling healthy!

Mind, Body & Spirt!

xox

Blogging Challenge... Introduce myself!

The beautiful Kath from www.courage2start.blogspot.com has challenged 12WBTers to a blogging challenge, so here I am bearing all!

This weeks blogging challenge is to introduce myself via these questions...

1. Describe yourself in 25 words or less. You can get straight to the point - or bring your creativity into play. Hmmm I am finally finding my feet in the world and working out who I am/want to be. Oh and I smile alot!

2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender?? Originally I joined 12WBT round 1 this year as I was bringing truth to my life and one of those truths was my weight (the fact that there was way too much of it) and I needed help and guidence to loose some of it. Well round 1 & 2 have helped me loose 15kgs and as I still have another 25kgs or more to loose I am back for another round! I also joined round 3 for the support from other 12wbters who have now become part of my family!

3. Why do you blog?? When I started this blog it was more to get my story as part of my journey to truth, then I freaked out and stopped writting. Now I am picking up from here and now and focusing on the 12WBT program and my journey to health and happiness!

4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss) I have many inspirational people in my life... mainly my friends whom I have met through the 12WBT program. Their journies have been difficult and inspirational and I admire them for where they are and who they make me want to be!

5. What things in life bring you the most joy? My friends who see me for whom I want to be, who inspire me to be the best person I possibly can be. My husband and fur babies bring me many joys too! I am happiest when I am with my friends, husband and dogs in nature having fun!

6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round? My mindset will probably be my worst enemy... especially when I am in the USA and away from all my supportive friends whom I have built an amazing network with and whom I exercise with.

7. What are you most excited about 12wbt? Loosing more weight and feeling healthier!

8. And what scares the pants off you? Failure... and not believing in myself... but I am working on it!

9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 words Love it when I feel good and in good mindframe.

10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feeling amazing after running 4ks!!!

So there you go, that is pretty much bout me and 12WBT!!

Maz
xox

I'm back!

Ok so I have been hiding away from blogging for a while as soo much has been happening and there is just soo much to process so did not know where to even begin. So rather than rehashing everything I am just going to start from here and now!
I am in such a good place at the moment, working hard with my therapist, working hard with my PT, trying to get my food under control and hubby, dogs and I are moving to the USA next month... !!!
Like I said there is heaps going on :)
So to keep me accountable and in check I have decided to do another round of 12WBT (my third round!) which will carry me into the relocation to Houston Texas mid/late October.
I have accepted a blogging challenge from Kath... so watch out for my next blog!!

xox

Emotional meltdown

I had been through the ringer the past couple of months emotionally and physically. I was struggling. Easter was here and events like this made me sad… I felt that these events were times where families got together and enjoyed each others company (fantasy I know but it was mine to have) and I was not going to have that (this comment would upset my husband as he would say but I am your family now and I agree and love that he is my family but it is not the same as the family that you came from).

On Easter Saturday my husband and I were lazing in bed (he had just got back from another overseas trip the night before and we were catching up on the events of the week) when I got a phone call from one of my cousins. This is someone I did not have much to do with growing up, he hung out with my older brother and had very different view to life than I did. He said he was calling to let me know that he knew I was going through a difficult time at the moment (his mother is my mothers sister and they had been talking) and wanted me to know that even though we have not had a close relationship he was there for me if I ever needed to talk or have a shoulder to lean on… I was in a bit of shock at this point but there was more… He said that even though our family is good at keeping secrets he knew more than I thought he did… that some things happen to people that is not their fault and that because I had been through what I had and survived, I was a strong woman for it. At this point I was speechless. For the first time ever I had received acknowledgement from a family member (even though not the ones that I wanted it from) telling me that what happened to me was not my fault and that I was a strong woman for doing what I was doing. This was huge. Something I had wanted for such a long time. It shifted something in me and made me hold my head up high. Made me accept what others had been saying to me all along, that I was a strong woman with courage and passion. I stared to feel better about myself, I started to smile again and to have energy.

In the same day I received an email from a family friend (who I had deleted off facebook at the same time I deleted my mother and a whole lot of other people that I felt judged me and did not have my best interests at heart) asking if everything was alright as he had noticed he could not find me on facebook and just wanted to touch base. I was feeling vulnerable and confused, even though I had something positive with the phone call from my cousin it had raised emotions in me about the lack of support my own parents did not provide. I started to feel guilty about deleting people off facebook and started to add them back… including my mother… I know, how silly am I (but I was confused and hopeful all at the same time)!

I continued feeling good (but in the background the feelings of vulnerability and confusion remained). My therapist had been encouraging me to write my thoughts and process down in a journal, telling me that I did not have to worry about being shut down and hurt by putting my words on paper like I did when I came out with the truth. So I did one better and started this blog! Crazy hey? Someone soo vulnerable putting it all out there for anyone to read… true… but I felt that it was the only way. This way I am being truthful to myself and not keeping my story a secret anymore. I was sharing my secret with others and letting it out for myself, and if it helped just one other person out there then that would be a bonus J. It has been an amazing experience, the feedback and support I have received has been soo overwhelming. I thank you all soo much for being beautiful people.

I was feeling good, getting some amazing feedback and putting myself out there. Then I had a cousin’s wedding. I thought I would go (with my hubby) as they came to ours a few years back. I knew it would be difficult with my family there and I suspected my older brother would be there but I thought I was strong enough to handle it…

Leading up to the day I could feel my nerves going haywire, I was getting antsy, anxious and snappy… my poor hubby L. Then the day arrived and I was very stressed out. I had done some self talking the day before telling myself that I was no longer in danger and was a strong and independent woman. I would go and be polite and do my duty as a family member then would not have to do have anything to do with any of them for ages. We arrived and stood outside of the church (we were early) and then form out of nowhere my older brother and his girlfriend arrived… they saw us and for what ever reason I smiled and waved. They took that as an invitation to come and join us and be social… while my hubby was greeting my brothers g/f my brother decided he would put his arms around me and greet me with a kiss… this is when I think I went into shock and auto pilot. I was sociable and chatty. I had this big smile on my face and as we met other family members who acted as if nothing was wrong. I sat in the pew behind my older brother and his g/f and watched as he showed her affection… made me feel sick. I started getting angry and shut down. We had to go home between the wedding and reception to feed the dogs and ourselves. I hardly spoke to my hubby (who must have been confused) and felt like I had let down my younger versions of myself. I had promised myself I would not let myself be hurt by him again and I did the complete opposite. I started to deconstruct and disassociate.

We went to the reception and did our best to avoid my family (not always easy) and then went to find our seats to find out that me and the hubby had been placed on a table with people we did not know and not on my families table (which was right next to ours). For some reason I was really upset about it and I started to have a melt down. I started to cry and had no idea why but for some reason I could not get up and get out of there.  I was embarrassed and confused as to why I was upset. My hubby kept looking at me unsure as to why I was upset. He thought I would be happy not having to socialise with my family for the whole evening. Then they started coming up to me one by one trying to comfort me and coming up with ways to get us on their table till I snapped and told them I was fine and to leave me alone. Again I went into auto pilot mode, put on the smile and socialised to get through the evening. When I had had enough I told my hubby I wanted to go, which he was all too happy to do. For some reason I felt obliged to say good bye to my family and tell my mother that we were going away and I would be in touch when we got back in a month or so…

When we got home I was really upset as I had done it again. I had not protected myself and let them hurt me. I was embarrassed about crying and still confused about why I had the melt down. I could not sleep as I was soo worked up. I tried talking to my hubby but he did not seem to understand which made me more upset to the point that I got out of bed and sat in the lounge for a while trying to calm down… did not work. Hubby came out and sat with me till I was ready to talk. I finally opened up and let him know how I had been feeling the past few months and he listened. I was finally able to sleep at 3am…

The next day it dawned on me as to why I got soo upset. The table arrangements were a symbol to me that I will never have the family I had always hoped for. It does not exist with my parents or brothers. And to realise that was sad and soo powerful hence why the melt down. After the talk with the hubby I finally realised I have the opportunity to create my own family with my husband, his family, our doggies and our friends (and hopefully one day our own children). That is something I have control of!

I saw my therapist during the week and let her know what happened. She was soo helpful as she talked it through with me and helped me understand what happened. I had gone into polite family mode to survive the day and did not do anything to let myself down as I did what I had to to get through it. This really helped and I started seeing it differently. I realised I would have to go through these things every now and again to learn more about how to handle myself and how to protect myself. It would eventually get easier as I got stronger and realised I was an adult now and no longer the children who got hurt.

This mind stuff is soo powerful and I am glad I am working on it at the same time as doing the 12WBT program. Mind, body and spirit all work together, it is impossible to work on one with out the other.

I have not had any contact with my family since the wedding and noticed how much more relaxed I have been. As round 1 of 12wbt finished (9kgs lighter and 37cm slimmer!!!) and round 2 is about to begin I can feel myself get excited about life again.

I commit to getting involved more with 12wbt activities and catch ups, write more on the forums, continue to blog about my journey and put my health first (that includes my mental health).

So here is to round 2 and a healthier version of me J

Maz

xoxo

Asking the family for space…

This journey I am on sure has been an emotional rollercoaster… There have been tough moments and happy times, the tough have been really tough at times. Late last year I told my parents (via email as I really did not feel safe having this conversation with them face-to-face) I was going to make some changes in my life as I was not happy and did not feel I was living my life honestly. I told them I had resigned from my job and was going to have a break to put myself first for a change. The changes included not having any further contact with my older brother, not coming back to the family home due to too many bad memories, being honest and truthful about what happened to me (by my brother and they way my parents reacted to the information and their behaviour towards me), no longer keeping the family secret and having to have a break from them as I was angry and hurt by the way they had treated me for most of my life. I asked them for space and to think about what I had written. I asked them to contact me when they were ready to have an honest conversation with me about it all.

My fathers reaction was to write an email back to me telling me how hurt they were that I was doing this to them at Christmas time, a time of forgiveness and family. He also told me to come to my senses and come back to them as the daughter they know and love. Oh and he had to finish the email off telling me how upset they were and why after all this time I was doing this to them now. I chose not to respond to his email as it hurt me too much and made me realise that no matter what I said or did he was not going to give me what I needed. Since then I have had limited contact with my father. I asked my parents and younger brother over after New Year for a BBQ but my father chose not to come telling me he had pride and was a man of honour… what ever that means. I have seen him a couple of times since then at family events and he has come up to my husband and I putting his hands on our shoulders with a smile expecting conversation but I have not bothered. I have a birthday in March and had no acknowledgment from him on the day or thereafter. I was originally upset about his reaction thinking he would be the parent that would understand and respect my wishes, but now realise and accept that he is a man who cares more about how he is perceived by the outside world more so than his daughter’s emotional state. Sad… but true.

My mother originally seemed to be respecting my wishes, sending me a short email thanking me for being honest and letting me know how much she loved me, telling me to contact her when I was ready. But my perspective of giving me some time compared to hers was very different. Anyone who has had to work through emotional hurdles from the past knows it does not take a couple of weeks to work through… but my mother seemed to think that was enough. She soon started emailing me or contacting me through facebook asking when she was going to see me, how much she missed me and how upset she was about what I was doing. She used her drama queen behaviour to try and guilt me into coming back and dropping all the nonsense… Eventually I started having panic attacks/major anxiety when the phone rang or even when a car drove past the house… it was getting ridiculous. I saw her at a family event soon after my birthday and she pretty much threw herself at me with a hug and presented me with a birthday gift… telling me she searched for ages till she found it, it was a charm with the word mum on it… now I am not a mum… so why would I wear a charm that had mum on it… my thoughts were so that I would keep thinking about her because after all it is all about her and my father right?... After this event she seemed to think everything was all good between us so she started contacting me to the point that I had to tell her to back off and deleted her off my facebook account.

After this happened I started to feel more relaxed and free to be myself. I was eating well, going to the gym and had energy. Then one night I was home alone (with the doggies) and had a call from my younger brother. He sounded upset and told me he had spoken to our mother who was very upset with what I had done (hung up on her a few days back and deleted her off facebook) and that what I was doing was wrong. He told me that if I did not make amends with our parents that he could no longer have a relationship with me, ending the call. It was late at night, my husband was on a flight overseas for work and I did not feel I had any friends close enough that I could pick up the phone to talk to about what had just happened. I was feeling soo lost and alone. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. My younger brother was my last link to my family, I loved him so much and would have done anything for him… he for the first time had joined forces with my family and was judging me for putting myself first and doing what I need to do to protect myself, telling me how to live my life. Thank goodness for my mother-in-law who was up and helped me calm down, talking through the phone call and trying to help me see things from my brother’s point of view. My brother then called back claiming he had a missed call from my phone ( I had not called him) then apologised for what he had said and told me to scrap 80% if it… at the time his comments helped but not much as the damage had been done.

Soon after that call I came down with a pretty bad virus that wiped me out for a few weeks (half of which I spent in bed). My mood was very low, I had stopped exercising and my eating choices were not that clean. My emotions were all over the place and the progress I had made in therapy was going down hill. My therapist was concerned about me and kept telling me to be kind and gentle with myself. She told me how when a child goes through trauma the body hold onto the hurt, pain, shame, guilt etc and these emotions come out physically at times. She was right… the pain and hurt I was feeling when I was sick was soo extreme at times I honestly did not know if I would survive. But when I finally realised what was happening and accepted it, things were more bearable. I had to make a huge effort to go to my sessions with my therapist and glad I did. We did heaps of work with my inner child(ren), validating what we had to do to survive growing up and giving myself the protection and attention I needed then, now.  

During this difficult time I unconsciously kept things to myself. I was not sharing with my husband what was happening internally. I think I was doing it to protect him but also myself. I did not want him to realise how screwed up I really was. For what ever reason, I felt that my past was mine and that this journey was something I had to go on by myself no matter how difficult.

More about this in my next blog! Thanx again for showing interest in my story and for all your kind support.

Love Maz

xoxoxo

Thank you

I just want to say a big thank you to the lovely women who have left comments for me and who have chosen to follow my posts. Your kind words and interest in my story has meant soo much to me. I have sought after acceptance and interest from my family for soo many years and never got it, yet people I have never met or spoken to before have offered it freely.

It saddens me because surely these are things that should be easily given by your own family… right? I don’t think I am asking much, am I?

What I have realised over the years is that what I really need is to be able to accept and forgive myself, getting it from family is not going to make me truly happy unless I am getting it from myself.

I appreciate the interest you have shown in me and my story, you have provided me with a feeling of warmth and happiness… so thank you soo very much for that.

Maz

xoxoxo

First post, Tuesday 26th April 2011

Hi! My name is Marianna but prefer to be called Maz :)

When I was a teenager I wrote some poetry that had some truth about something that happened to me as a child and it came back to bite me soo hard that I unconsciously decided not to put my thoughts out there for anyone else to ever read again.

And so here I am 20 years later and this first post is the first time I am putting my thoughts out there for others to read.

When I was 3 years old my family went to Lebanon to visit my grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins. At that time my family consisted of my mum and dad, my older brother and myself. When we came back home my older brother started to sexualy and emotionally abuse me. He would tell me that if I told anyone I would be responsible for hurting and upsetting them. He knew me well, even at such a young age I was always a pleaser, I wanted to make people happy and hated the idea of upsetting anyone. So I believed him and did not tell anyone. I became introverted and kept to myself and started disasociating when ever I was placed in a situation that freaked me out. My younger brother was born 5 years later and the abuse continued, actually got worse. My father was always at work and when home he was never really there and my mother was pre-occupied with a new baby. I was left at home with my older brother when my mother had to go on errands and that is when most of the sexual abuse happened. It continued till I was in my final year of primary school and started menstruating. And that was that... he never said anything to me about it and I kept the secret as I was petrified of what would happen if it ever came out.

As a teenager I piled on the weight as a way of protecting myself from any attention (wanted or unwanted) and again kept to myself. As each year went by I gained more weight and pushed more people away. As an older teenager I met some pretty amazing friends who saw something in me that no one else had. They saw a good person who cared about others, who had something to say and was worth listening too. They gave me courage and strength which helped me find the confidence to share my past with them... something I had not done before.

And when I did share my truth with them they were very supportive and encouraged me to share my past. I eventually found the courage to share my story in a paper for a school project (subconsciously knowing that if the teachers found out then something would have to change) which turned everything upside down and inside out. The teachers called in my mother and social workers and I had to verbally tell them what happened to me. They told my mother that if my parents did not do something to take away the risk (my older brother was still living at home) that they would have to call the police and child protection. This really stressed me out and I think freaked my mother out too. When we got home she called my father who came home and she told him what happened. They told me to go to their bedroom and watch TV as they called my older brother and asked him to come home. The next think I know he has walked into my parents bedroom alone... I am traumatised emotionally all over again. He did appologise for what he did and told me he was glad I had said something as he was sick of keeping it to himself. This did not help me though... soon after he went interstate to do a year of uni. I now realise that was my parents' way of getting rid of the problem.  My parents did send me to a therapist soon after the school was involved but that was because the school suggested it and as a teenager who was petrified and already disheartened with how things panned out when I spoke out, the sessions were pretty much a waste of time and money. I only remember going to a hand full of sessions before the therapist ended it. It was never spoken about after that, swept under the carpet and life went on. I never had the chance to work through any of it with my parents let alone trying any other professionals.

Because of the things that happened to me and how people around me reacted and treated me, I lost my true self. The person I could have been was stolen from me at a very young age and I became a shell of a child. I was quiet, shy, timid, anxious, afraid to trust anyone let alone myself. I did not have many friends and spent alot of time in my bedroom alone. My understanding of emotions and how to express them were all screwed up. My cognitive levels were also screwed up. At school I would drift off and not be able to concentrate very well. I was different and kept to myself and became the target for bullies.

I remained a good girl, always doing things to please others at the detriment of my own feelings and safety. I kept quiet about my past and like a good girl did what I could to keep up the persona that everyone got along and that our family was picture perfect. As I got into my early twenties (still living at home and at times my older brother was living there too) I met an amazing man who showed an interest in me (as a wall flower I was not used to the attention) and for some reason I subconsciously accepted his attention as I must have known he was a good person. We started a relationship and it blossemed quickly (I moved in with him after about a year of being together and we married about 3 years ago). I trusted him and shared with him my past. He was soo supportive and did what he could to help me. He could see that I was struggling and found CASA (Centre against Sexual Assault) for me. He would take me to appointments and be there afterwards when I would cry myself to sleep. Through his help and the support of my counsellor and support group at CASA I made a massive decision. I decided to tell my brother that I did not want him in my life anymore. This ofcourse caused a lot of upheavel in my family. My parents got all defensive and dramatic telling me I was ruining the family and to think about how this would look to others. My older brother started making excuses telling me that he too was sexually abused by a family member when the our family went to Lebanon (when I was 3 years old) and he knew it was wrong to do it to me but he could not stop. It turned my world upside down yet again and I felt all alone other than having my partner there for support. As time went on I would allow myself to get dragged back by my family with all their guilt trips and manipulations and I would play happy families but be dying inside. This pattern went was my yo-yo life, I would pull away and do something for myself and eventually be pulled back by my family to be the introvert good girl they preferred. This is how I lived my life all the way up to about 5 months ago.

If I was reading this post I would be wondering why now, why risk everything and share now. About 5 months ago I reached a point in my life where I could no longer live a life of lies. I was miserable, unhappy and pretty much down right depressed. I was no longer enjoying my job, did not have much interest in my future and relationships with people I cared about were being impacted. I eventually realised that I was allowing my past and other people to control who I was and what I did and I had had enough of not being in control of myself and my life. I decided to take back control of my life and how I lived it. I quit my job (with the support of my amazing husband) and slowly cut people out of my life that dragged me down. I surrounded myself with people who cared about me and wanted the best for me. I finally decided to put myself first and do what I needed to do to look after myself. I started seeing a trauma therapist (she is fantastic - http://www.moonyahcounselling.com.au/) who has helped me see things soo differently that other therapist I had seen only touched the surface of. I gave myself permission to have doona days, to be emotional, to be a child, to be angry and get frustrated. I created some space between myself and my family, allowing myself to feel safe to go through the work I needed to. I joined Michelle Bridges' 12 week body transformation program (http://www.12wbt.com/) in February as I felt ready to tackle my weight issues as I worked on my emotional issues. And boy has that pushed me to my limits! I have a couple of weeks left till round 1 ends and about a month before round 2 begins. I am realising that working through my past is a long term project that has to involve working on my mind, body and spirit at the same time.

Life throws some doozy's at us, some things not even imaginable. How we deal with these doozy's shape who we are today. I had lots of terrible things happen to me as a child, teenager and even as an adult. But I now know that none of it was my fault and that my surviving my past has made me a stronger person today.

I am on an amazing journey, the journey to work through my past and free myself to be the best person I possibly can be. I am nowhere near the end of my journey but at times I do see the light at the end of the tunnel :). Don't get me wrong, a majority of my journey has been very difficult... dealing with anger, sadness, grief and loss, guilt and forgiveness. But thanx to the times when moments are good, I know my journey is worth the challenges I have and will experience to get to the other side.

Believe in yourself, have hope that a better life is out there and that you deserve to live it.

Will write more soon.

Thanx soo much for reading my thoughts.

Maz
xoxo