First post, Tuesday 26th April 2011

Hi! My name is Marianna but prefer to be called Maz :)

When I was a teenager I wrote some poetry that had some truth about something that happened to me as a child and it came back to bite me soo hard that I unconsciously decided not to put my thoughts out there for anyone else to ever read again.

And so here I am 20 years later and this first post is the first time I am putting my thoughts out there for others to read.

When I was 3 years old my family went to Lebanon to visit my grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins. At that time my family consisted of my mum and dad, my older brother and myself. When we came back home my older brother started to sexualy and emotionally abuse me. He would tell me that if I told anyone I would be responsible for hurting and upsetting them. He knew me well, even at such a young age I was always a pleaser, I wanted to make people happy and hated the idea of upsetting anyone. So I believed him and did not tell anyone. I became introverted and kept to myself and started disasociating when ever I was placed in a situation that freaked me out. My younger brother was born 5 years later and the abuse continued, actually got worse. My father was always at work and when home he was never really there and my mother was pre-occupied with a new baby. I was left at home with my older brother when my mother had to go on errands and that is when most of the sexual abuse happened. It continued till I was in my final year of primary school and started menstruating. And that was that... he never said anything to me about it and I kept the secret as I was petrified of what would happen if it ever came out.

As a teenager I piled on the weight as a way of protecting myself from any attention (wanted or unwanted) and again kept to myself. As each year went by I gained more weight and pushed more people away. As an older teenager I met some pretty amazing friends who saw something in me that no one else had. They saw a good person who cared about others, who had something to say and was worth listening too. They gave me courage and strength which helped me find the confidence to share my past with them... something I had not done before.

And when I did share my truth with them they were very supportive and encouraged me to share my past. I eventually found the courage to share my story in a paper for a school project (subconsciously knowing that if the teachers found out then something would have to change) which turned everything upside down and inside out. The teachers called in my mother and social workers and I had to verbally tell them what happened to me. They told my mother that if my parents did not do something to take away the risk (my older brother was still living at home) that they would have to call the police and child protection. This really stressed me out and I think freaked my mother out too. When we got home she called my father who came home and she told him what happened. They told me to go to their bedroom and watch TV as they called my older brother and asked him to come home. The next think I know he has walked into my parents bedroom alone... I am traumatised emotionally all over again. He did appologise for what he did and told me he was glad I had said something as he was sick of keeping it to himself. This did not help me though... soon after he went interstate to do a year of uni. I now realise that was my parents' way of getting rid of the problem.  My parents did send me to a therapist soon after the school was involved but that was because the school suggested it and as a teenager who was petrified and already disheartened with how things panned out when I spoke out, the sessions were pretty much a waste of time and money. I only remember going to a hand full of sessions before the therapist ended it. It was never spoken about after that, swept under the carpet and life went on. I never had the chance to work through any of it with my parents let alone trying any other professionals.

Because of the things that happened to me and how people around me reacted and treated me, I lost my true self. The person I could have been was stolen from me at a very young age and I became a shell of a child. I was quiet, shy, timid, anxious, afraid to trust anyone let alone myself. I did not have many friends and spent alot of time in my bedroom alone. My understanding of emotions and how to express them were all screwed up. My cognitive levels were also screwed up. At school I would drift off and not be able to concentrate very well. I was different and kept to myself and became the target for bullies.

I remained a good girl, always doing things to please others at the detriment of my own feelings and safety. I kept quiet about my past and like a good girl did what I could to keep up the persona that everyone got along and that our family was picture perfect. As I got into my early twenties (still living at home and at times my older brother was living there too) I met an amazing man who showed an interest in me (as a wall flower I was not used to the attention) and for some reason I subconsciously accepted his attention as I must have known he was a good person. We started a relationship and it blossemed quickly (I moved in with him after about a year of being together and we married about 3 years ago). I trusted him and shared with him my past. He was soo supportive and did what he could to help me. He could see that I was struggling and found CASA (Centre against Sexual Assault) for me. He would take me to appointments and be there afterwards when I would cry myself to sleep. Through his help and the support of my counsellor and support group at CASA I made a massive decision. I decided to tell my brother that I did not want him in my life anymore. This ofcourse caused a lot of upheavel in my family. My parents got all defensive and dramatic telling me I was ruining the family and to think about how this would look to others. My older brother started making excuses telling me that he too was sexually abused by a family member when the our family went to Lebanon (when I was 3 years old) and he knew it was wrong to do it to me but he could not stop. It turned my world upside down yet again and I felt all alone other than having my partner there for support. As time went on I would allow myself to get dragged back by my family with all their guilt trips and manipulations and I would play happy families but be dying inside. This pattern went was my yo-yo life, I would pull away and do something for myself and eventually be pulled back by my family to be the introvert good girl they preferred. This is how I lived my life all the way up to about 5 months ago.

If I was reading this post I would be wondering why now, why risk everything and share now. About 5 months ago I reached a point in my life where I could no longer live a life of lies. I was miserable, unhappy and pretty much down right depressed. I was no longer enjoying my job, did not have much interest in my future and relationships with people I cared about were being impacted. I eventually realised that I was allowing my past and other people to control who I was and what I did and I had had enough of not being in control of myself and my life. I decided to take back control of my life and how I lived it. I quit my job (with the support of my amazing husband) and slowly cut people out of my life that dragged me down. I surrounded myself with people who cared about me and wanted the best for me. I finally decided to put myself first and do what I needed to do to look after myself. I started seeing a trauma therapist (she is fantastic - http://www.moonyahcounselling.com.au/) who has helped me see things soo differently that other therapist I had seen only touched the surface of. I gave myself permission to have doona days, to be emotional, to be a child, to be angry and get frustrated. I created some space between myself and my family, allowing myself to feel safe to go through the work I needed to. I joined Michelle Bridges' 12 week body transformation program (http://www.12wbt.com/) in February as I felt ready to tackle my weight issues as I worked on my emotional issues. And boy has that pushed me to my limits! I have a couple of weeks left till round 1 ends and about a month before round 2 begins. I am realising that working through my past is a long term project that has to involve working on my mind, body and spirit at the same time.

Life throws some doozy's at us, some things not even imaginable. How we deal with these doozy's shape who we are today. I had lots of terrible things happen to me as a child, teenager and even as an adult. But I now know that none of it was my fault and that my surviving my past has made me a stronger person today.

I am on an amazing journey, the journey to work through my past and free myself to be the best person I possibly can be. I am nowhere near the end of my journey but at times I do see the light at the end of the tunnel :). Don't get me wrong, a majority of my journey has been very difficult... dealing with anger, sadness, grief and loss, guilt and forgiveness. But thanx to the times when moments are good, I know my journey is worth the challenges I have and will experience to get to the other side.

Believe in yourself, have hope that a better life is out there and that you deserve to live it.

Will write more soon.

Thanx soo much for reading my thoughts.

Maz
xoxo