This journey I am on sure has been an emotional rollercoaster… There have been tough moments and happy times, the tough have been really tough at times. Late last year I told my parents (via email as I really did not feel safe having this conversation with them face-to-face) I was going to make some changes in my life as I was not happy and did not feel I was living my life honestly. I told them I had resigned from my job and was going to have a break to put myself first for a change. The changes included not having any further contact with my older brother, not coming back to the family home due to too many bad memories, being honest and truthful about what happened to me (by my brother and they way my parents reacted to the information and their behaviour towards me), no longer keeping the family secret and having to have a break from them as I was angry and hurt by the way they had treated me for most of my life. I asked them for space and to think about what I had written. I asked them to contact me when they were ready to have an honest conversation with me about it all.
My fathers reaction was to write an email back to me telling me how hurt they were that I was doing this to them at Christmas time, a time of forgiveness and family. He also told me to come to my senses and come back to them as the daughter they know and love. Oh and he had to finish the email off telling me how upset they were and why after all this time I was doing this to them now. I chose not to respond to his email as it hurt me too much and made me realise that no matter what I said or did he was not going to give me what I needed. Since then I have had limited contact with my father. I asked my parents and younger brother over after New Year for a BBQ but my father chose not to come telling me he had pride and was a man of honour… what ever that means. I have seen him a couple of times since then at family events and he has come up to my husband and I putting his hands on our shoulders with a smile expecting conversation but I have not bothered. I have a birthday in March and had no acknowledgment from him on the day or thereafter. I was originally upset about his reaction thinking he would be the parent that would understand and respect my wishes, but now realise and accept that he is a man who cares more about how he is perceived by the outside world more so than his daughter’s emotional state. Sad… but true.
My mother originally seemed to be respecting my wishes, sending me a short email thanking me for being honest and letting me know how much she loved me, telling me to contact her when I was ready. But my perspective of giving me some time compared to hers was very different. Anyone who has had to work through emotional hurdles from the past knows it does not take a couple of weeks to work through… but my mother seemed to think that was enough. She soon started emailing me or contacting me through facebook asking when she was going to see me, how much she missed me and how upset she was about what I was doing. She used her drama queen behaviour to try and guilt me into coming back and dropping all the nonsense… Eventually I started having panic attacks/major anxiety when the phone rang or even when a car drove past the house… it was getting ridiculous. I saw her at a family event soon after my birthday and she pretty much threw herself at me with a hug and presented me with a birthday gift… telling me she searched for ages till she found it, it was a charm with the word mum on it… now I am not a mum… so why would I wear a charm that had mum on it… my thoughts were so that I would keep thinking about her because after all it is all about her and my father right?... After this event she seemed to think everything was all good between us so she started contacting me to the point that I had to tell her to back off and deleted her off my facebook account.
After this happened I started to feel more relaxed and free to be myself. I was eating well, going to the gym and had energy. Then one night I was home alone (with the doggies) and had a call from my younger brother. He sounded upset and told me he had spoken to our mother who was very upset with what I had done (hung up on her a few days back and deleted her off facebook) and that what I was doing was wrong. He told me that if I did not make amends with our parents that he could no longer have a relationship with me, ending the call. It was late at night, my husband was on a flight overseas for work and I did not feel I had any friends close enough that I could pick up the phone to talk to about what had just happened. I was feeling soo lost and alone. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. My younger brother was my last link to my family, I loved him so much and would have done anything for him… he for the first time had joined forces with my family and was judging me for putting myself first and doing what I need to do to protect myself, telling me how to live my life. Thank goodness for my mother-in-law who was up and helped me calm down, talking through the phone call and trying to help me see things from my brother’s point of view. My brother then called back claiming he had a missed call from my phone ( I had not called him) then apologised for what he had said and told me to scrap 80% if it… at the time his comments helped but not much as the damage had been done.
Soon after that call I came down with a pretty bad virus that wiped me out for a few weeks (half of which I spent in bed). My mood was very low, I had stopped exercising and my eating choices were not that clean. My emotions were all over the place and the progress I had made in therapy was going down hill. My therapist was concerned about me and kept telling me to be kind and gentle with myself. She told me how when a child goes through trauma the body hold onto the hurt, pain, shame, guilt etc and these emotions come out physically at times. She was right… the pain and hurt I was feeling when I was sick was soo extreme at times I honestly did not know if I would survive. But when I finally realised what was happening and accepted it, things were more bearable. I had to make a huge effort to go to my sessions with my therapist and glad I did. We did heaps of work with my inner child(ren), validating what we had to do to survive growing up and giving myself the protection and attention I needed then, now.
During this difficult time I unconsciously kept things to myself. I was not sharing with my husband what was happening internally. I think I was doing it to protect him but also myself. I did not want him to realise how screwed up I really was. For what ever reason, I felt that my past was mine and that this journey was something I had to go on by myself no matter how difficult.
More about this in my next blog! Thanx again for showing interest in my story and for all your kind support.
Love Maz
xoxoxo
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