I had been through the ringer the past couple of months emotionally and physically. I was struggling. Easter was here and events like this made me sad… I felt that these events were times where families got together and enjoyed each others company (fantasy I know but it was mine to have) and I was not going to have that (this comment would upset my husband as he would say but I am your family now and I agree and love that he is my family but it is not the same as the family that you came from).
On Easter Saturday my husband and I were lazing in bed (he had just got back from another overseas trip the night before and we were catching up on the events of the week) when I got a phone call from one of my cousins. This is someone I did not have much to do with growing up, he hung out with my older brother and had very different view to life than I did. He said he was calling to let me know that he knew I was going through a difficult time at the moment (his mother is my mothers sister and they had been talking) and wanted me to know that even though we have not had a close relationship he was there for me if I ever needed to talk or have a shoulder to lean on… I was in a bit of shock at this point but there was more… He said that even though our family is good at keeping secrets he knew more than I thought he did… that some things happen to people that is not their fault and that because I had been through what I had and survived, I was a strong woman for it. At this point I was speechless. For the first time ever I had received acknowledgement from a family member (even though not the ones that I wanted it from) telling me that what happened to me was not my fault and that I was a strong woman for doing what I was doing. This was huge. Something I had wanted for such a long time. It shifted something in me and made me hold my head up high. Made me accept what others had been saying to me all along, that I was a strong woman with courage and passion. I stared to feel better about myself, I started to smile again and to have energy.
In the same day I received an email from a family friend (who I had deleted off facebook at the same time I deleted my mother and a whole lot of other people that I felt judged me and did not have my best interests at heart) asking if everything was alright as he had noticed he could not find me on facebook and just wanted to touch base. I was feeling vulnerable and confused, even though I had something positive with the phone call from my cousin it had raised emotions in me about the lack of support my own parents did not provide. I started to feel guilty about deleting people off facebook and started to add them back… including my mother… I know, how silly am I (but I was confused and hopeful all at the same time)!
I continued feeling good (but in the background the feelings of vulnerability and confusion remained). My therapist had been encouraging me to write my thoughts and process down in a journal, telling me that I did not have to worry about being shut down and hurt by putting my words on paper like I did when I came out with the truth. So I did one better and started this blog! Crazy hey? Someone soo vulnerable putting it all out there for anyone to read… true… but I felt that it was the only way. This way I am being truthful to myself and not keeping my story a secret anymore. I was sharing my secret with others and letting it out for myself, and if it helped just one other person out there then that would be a bonus J. It has been an amazing experience, the feedback and support I have received has been soo overwhelming. I thank you all soo much for being beautiful people.
I was feeling good, getting some amazing feedback and putting myself out there. Then I had a cousin’s wedding. I thought I would go (with my hubby) as they came to ours a few years back. I knew it would be difficult with my family there and I suspected my older brother would be there but I thought I was strong enough to handle it…
Leading up to the day I could feel my nerves going haywire, I was getting antsy, anxious and snappy… my poor hubby L. Then the day arrived and I was very stressed out. I had done some self talking the day before telling myself that I was no longer in danger and was a strong and independent woman. I would go and be polite and do my duty as a family member then would not have to do have anything to do with any of them for ages. We arrived and stood outside of the church (we were early) and then form out of nowhere my older brother and his girlfriend arrived… they saw us and for what ever reason I smiled and waved. They took that as an invitation to come and join us and be social… while my hubby was greeting my brothers g/f my brother decided he would put his arms around me and greet me with a kiss… this is when I think I went into shock and auto pilot. I was sociable and chatty. I had this big smile on my face and as we met other family members who acted as if nothing was wrong. I sat in the pew behind my older brother and his g/f and watched as he showed her affection… made me feel sick. I started getting angry and shut down. We had to go home between the wedding and reception to feed the dogs and ourselves. I hardly spoke to my hubby (who must have been confused) and felt like I had let down my younger versions of myself. I had promised myself I would not let myself be hurt by him again and I did the complete opposite. I started to deconstruct and disassociate.
We went to the reception and did our best to avoid my family (not always easy) and then went to find our seats to find out that me and the hubby had been placed on a table with people we did not know and not on my families table (which was right next to ours). For some reason I was really upset about it and I started to have a melt down. I started to cry and had no idea why but for some reason I could not get up and get out of there. I was embarrassed and confused as to why I was upset. My hubby kept looking at me unsure as to why I was upset. He thought I would be happy not having to socialise with my family for the whole evening. Then they started coming up to me one by one trying to comfort me and coming up with ways to get us on their table till I snapped and told them I was fine and to leave me alone. Again I went into auto pilot mode, put on the smile and socialised to get through the evening. When I had had enough I told my hubby I wanted to go, which he was all too happy to do. For some reason I felt obliged to say good bye to my family and tell my mother that we were going away and I would be in touch when we got back in a month or so…
When we got home I was really upset as I had done it again. I had not protected myself and let them hurt me. I was embarrassed about crying and still confused about why I had the melt down. I could not sleep as I was soo worked up. I tried talking to my hubby but he did not seem to understand which made me more upset to the point that I got out of bed and sat in the lounge for a while trying to calm down… did not work. Hubby came out and sat with me till I was ready to talk. I finally opened up and let him know how I had been feeling the past few months and he listened. I was finally able to sleep at 3am…
The next day it dawned on me as to why I got soo upset. The table arrangements were a symbol to me that I will never have the family I had always hoped for. It does not exist with my parents or brothers. And to realise that was sad and soo powerful hence why the melt down. After the talk with the hubby I finally realised I have the opportunity to create my own family with my husband, his family, our doggies and our friends (and hopefully one day our own children). That is something I have control of!
I saw my therapist during the week and let her know what happened. She was soo helpful as she talked it through with me and helped me understand what happened. I had gone into polite family mode to survive the day and did not do anything to let myself down as I did what I had to to get through it. This really helped and I started seeing it differently. I realised I would have to go through these things every now and again to learn more about how to handle myself and how to protect myself. It would eventually get easier as I got stronger and realised I was an adult now and no longer the children who got hurt.
This mind stuff is soo powerful and I am glad I am working on it at the same time as doing the 12WBT program. Mind, body and spirit all work together, it is impossible to work on one with out the other.
I have not had any contact with my family since the wedding and noticed how much more relaxed I have been. As round 1 of 12wbt finished (9kgs lighter and 37cm slimmer!!!) and round 2 is about to begin I can feel myself get excited about life again.
I commit to getting involved more with 12wbt activities and catch ups, write more on the forums, continue to blog about my journey and put my health first (that includes my mental health).
So here is to round 2 and a healthier version of me J
Maz
xoxo
